Sunday 8 July 2007

Ma, me arse is bleeding

Well no, not really, I don't have a bad dose of Hematochezia [Rectal bleeding] or Melena, the passage of black, tarry stools containing digested blood; it's more to do with the barrage of heavy 14% + wines consumed on this premises last night, that gave me a pain in the arse. The head, for once, escaped unscathed. It was lover's birthday and I cooked a seafood lasagne, laddered the sitting room with cheapo Tesco Tealites and even dressed up for a change. An altogether charming intimate evening apart from geezer falling asleep and me getting way too rat-arsed on said same 14% wine. It's too fucking strong! The lighter brighter Bordeaux from my favourite region in France, that we started off with, was the wisest choice. If only I had bought three bottles of that instead. The 14% wines are obnoxious, taste like berried armpit & turn your head a tad mad... making young ladies like me shout at the Live Earth televised concert that Madonna has clocked up more air miles than Jesus (well, technically speaking Jesus is omnipresent, and with an unbounded or universal presence, his carbon footprint isn't that big) so what is she doing on stage strutting her pelvis in the name of saving Planet Earth!? Al Gore is a pain in the arse just as much as 14% wine except maybe worse, because millions of people believe his man-made climate change horror mockumentary. Actually, it was during this drunken moment that I had an inspired idea for Islamic terrorists. Why don't they blow up the polar ice caps and bring on Armageddon? That way us free-thinking Westerners who speak our minds, indulge in endless materialism and enjoy depraved sex as a leisure activity, can be sunk into a damnable, depraved, destructive, disastrous hell that we, as non-believers, deserve. The Holy Foot soldiers can wipe us (and those just-as-non-believing Polar Bears) out in one earth-shattering moment of extreme religiosity. My best ideas come to me when I'm drunk as a Beckett. Who do I write to about my idea or will I just turn up at a Mosque? There's a great opinion piece by Eoghan Harris in today's Sunday Indo that says it in a nutshell, so consummately that I won't even attempt to gist it. It's getting harder and harder for the career-soldier lefties to convince us that panicking re: the threat of Islamic fundamentalism is nothing more than a type of westernised Islamaphobia. A few months ago, I interviewed an amazing man for an article - an Imam based in Ireland - who reiterated that Ireland is under increased threat from fundamentalism and it's about time we stood up and took notice. He reiterated what MI5 already know; that Islamic terror groups are alive and thriving in Ireland - specifically linked to al-Qaeda; Egyptian Islamic Jihad, al-Gama'at al-Islamiyah, the Algerian Armed Islamic Group, Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad. Talking to this man, I was bowled over by his intelligence, objectivity, ability to talk openly about what he has experienced in Irish Mosques (he was totally shocked to hear Irish Muslims praise 9/11 and calmly acquiesce the need for suicide bombing missions in the West). Of course, when he spoke honestly about his findings, he endured the wrath of a left-wing media who cannot handle the mere mention of 'extremism' while at the same time, many Irish Muslims were not happy with the increased attention being focussed on them in the light of his claims. He told me: "Islam has to be re-thought; extremism has infected Islam in Ireland. I came here because I was in fear of my life and thought I had left fundamentalism and hatred behind me. I could not believe my ears when I visited some of the top Mosques in Dublin…there was obvious support for suicide bombing as well as prayers and support for the likes of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi [al-Qaeda's leader in Iraq who died after an air strike in June 2006]. This man had killed Muslims." He also cited widespread espousal for Yusuf al-Qaradawi, the Egyptian born sheikh who has spoken candidly in support of suicide bombers, issued fatwas on gays and instructed Muslim men that it is OK to beat their wives. The interview both terrified and intrigued me. He also believes that thanks to the level of PC-ness in Ireland it actually allows extremists to 'hide'. "The Irish are nonchalant; they don't know much about Islam," he told me. "I soon found when I got here that there's this attitude of: 'it's cool to be anti-British, cool to be anti-Israeli, cool to be anti the war in America', but as soon as I speak out and use the word 'extremism' I am demonised. Some sections of the leftwing Irish media have also undermined me. They cannot accept that Muslims here could be a threat or that there is a genuine danger of terrorism. We have two types of extremists here. One hates the West, because the west is morally decadent but they want the money and they want to live here – many of them are on social welfare, that's the dichotomy. The other type of extremist not only hates the West but wants to destroy it. But how can they live here in that case? Extremism does not allow for cooperation or conciliation. Some of these people find it impossible to believe that not everyone in the West is bad." He also made the point that the GardaĆ­ do not have the resources to cope with any real threat and the political establishment would rather ignore it, so it is a potentially explosive situation (no pun intended, honest). So perhaps we've every right to feel scared as fuck and to even scaremonger in the wake of attempted terrorist attacks. I'm with Eoghan Harris on this one and just in case I need to keep my wits about me when the polar ice caps get bombed by a brilliantly clever engineer/doctor/PhD student indoctrinated with irreversible hatred, drinking 14% red wine from now on is out of the question. But remember lads, blowing up the ice caps was my idea, patented from this week onwards and © to yours truly, so there's a borrower's fee if you adopt it for your own insane ends. OK?

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