Findush bit my frozen monkey

I have to hand it to the Ice Queen of Findus, the one that traverses the icy globe and freezes veg just to get away from her man, but their [relatively] new offering of Frozen Soya Beans has done it for me. Of course the mere mention of the word 'soya' to any man brings about mock childhood horror that really is unaccountable as we're not talking about Fray Bentos pies or cans of 'stewed mince' (which was really 'minced excrement' of low-lying 1970s midlands cattle with large toenails); and it ain't spinnach or tinned mushrooms either. The look of repugnance equates with the phrase "I don't swallow". When I explained - that I purchased a bag by mistake - cos Tesco are c--ts like that and get your shopping delivery wrong all the time, he was aghast. "No, keep it simple, something like a vegetable curry would be better......love". There was no convicning him. Predictable as bacon. The bag sat in the freezer for a few months; disregarded, infrigned, jilted. Then, as part of my 'get fatter then cry' diet, I looked at the pack, fell for the marketing bumpf about lowering colestoral & being super high in Vitamin C, I started lobbing them into some cooking. They do take a few minutes more than those tiny shrivelled frozen pea yokes that look like Gulliver's Travels mini scrotums, but they came out a real treat. They are splendid and crunchy and weird. As I'm a major OCD merchant, I got super obsessed super quickly. Not only did I menu them in to the most stupid of inappropiate dishes, but once a day I'd take the packet out of the freezer and smile at them, as if I had something in common. The Marketing Minges at Findus assert "Birds Eye are experts at producing tasty, nutritious and high quality frozen vegetables so Soya Beans are a natural extension for the company. We're proud to be leading the way in introducing natural and pioneering foods that are healthy and easy-to-use." But that's no real reference, considering those fuckers ruined a lot of childhoods, but I found a new type of frozen faith. They are way more superior than peas, a bit like Alba has never been really able to stand up to Sony, and they have a superincumbent crunch a bit like nashing a beetle's back in a nightmare. They fucking rock. The best way is to boil some Seeds Of Change Organic Spinach Trotolle from Tesco (two handfuls), simmer yezer soya beans in a separate pot for a few minutes (don't steam them as they'll have the consistency of carcinomas), drain, add in with a few spinach leaves, Channel Island Extra Thick Double Cream, two spoons of pesto, warm and serve in a TV-affable bowl. It's the dog's knackers. And the green elongated poo you have the next day would put any bicycle-helmet-wearing environmentalist to shame. You will suddenly find by midday, after the shock-poo and a few emails later, you're suddenly hovering around the freezer mauling the bag and thinking up new frozen crazy lows. Trust me or die ignorant.